


Outtakes: Virgins & Villains

by Emmamama88



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-22
Updated: 2012-07-19
Packaged: 2017-11-08 08:23:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/441164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmamama88/pseuds/Emmamama88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>To be read after Chapter 21 of V&V (Valentines & The He-Man Incident).</p></blockquote>





	1. The He-Man Incident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be read after Chapter 21 of V&V (Valentines & The He-Man Incident).

**The He-Man Incident**

Let's see. It was my fifth birthday. Mom and Dad had allowed me to invite four friends from my preschool class to my house for a birthday party and sleepover. My first ever. The next day, Mom would take us all to school.

Unfortunately, no one factored Emmett into the plans. Even though it was only September, Emmett was already planning his costume for Halloween. For reasons known only to God and himself, Emmett had chosen to be He-Man. He'd even gotten one of his friends to loan him his Mom's blonde wig, to achieve the proper look.

My friends and I had our little party, ate junk food, and watched Beauty and the Beast. By nine o'clock we were all fast asleep in the living room, lined up in our little sleeping bags.

Emmett decided to see if he could physically tolerate the cool evening temperatures in his underwear. This was essential to his plan of trick-or-treating dressed as He-Man.

He snuck outside, and being the jackass that he is, let the door lock behind him. He claims that he debated what to do for several minutes before deciding to sneak through a window.

The only window he was able to coax open was in the dining room. He made so much noise lumbering through it that he woke and proceeded to completely freak out five little girls.

Once inside, he tried to make a dash for the stairs in order to be upstairs before waking our parents.

All that my friends and I saw coming toward us was a freakishly large boy in a blonde wig and underwear brandishing a weapon. (It was only a plastic sword, but how were we supposed to know that).

We screamed as one voice, we screamed as if the world was ending, we screamed until two of us peed our sleeping bags.

My friend MacKenzie locked herself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out until her parents arrived. I was told that for years after that, Lucy Miller went into hysterics every time a He-Man cartoon came on television, and eventually needed therapy.

Luckily, my Dad's position as favorite policeman of Forks worked in our favor, and he was able to soothe several irate Moms and Dads, while explaining the retarded actions of his oldest child.

Due to what will forever be referred to as 'The He-Man Incident', I can trace the beginning of my life as a social pariah to September 13, 1992.


	2. The April Fool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be read following Chapter 35 of V&V (Boxer Shorts & Serenades). Enjoy!

****

**The April Fool**

*Thursday, April 1, Emmett's POV*

It's not easy being me. A hell of a lot is expected of the Emster, especially on this day, and I always strive not to disappoint.

As I sat at the kitchen table, enjoying my morning coffee, I thought about the weeks of planning that went into today. Aside from the last minute addition to my plans, which I would have to see to personally later, everything was in place. All I had to do now was sit back and reap the rewards of my efforts.

As I pondered this, the lovely voice of my fiancée wafted through the apartment "Fuck you Emmett" Rose shouted from our bedroom.

_Ah, she must have found the six-ft long fake snake in her lingerie drawer._

I've always gone through life looking on the bright side of every situation. Too many people spend their days wrapped up in their own misery. I learned years ago to try and find joy in everything life throws at you. If your life sucks, it's because you fucked up somewhere through some stupid lame-ass decisions you've made, and it's never too late to fix that shit. Today is a good day to start, learn to cut loose, be 'in the moment' make someone laugh, or just make yourself laugh.

"Suck my dick Emmett" Rosalie's melodic voice filled my ears once again, this time from the bathroom.

_Hm, this time it was either the fake poop on the toilet seat or the bathroom drawer filled with shaving cream. Who can tell?_

Through the years, I've made more friends than I can count, and very few enemies. I make time for my fans, I try to show them how much I appreciate their support. Whether it's making sure that Deputy Mark gets tickets to the Sky box at Qwest Field for his son's birthday, or that the maintenance guy at the Four Seasons gets an autographed jersey, I let them know they're important. During this past year, I went above and beyond the call of duty for one fan. I was able to set Scott, one of WIRI's cameramen, up on a date with a Seahawks cheerleader. Now they're living together. I chuckled to myself.  _Emmett Swan, matchmaker._

On a day like today, I find that my fans are more than eager to repay the favors I've granted.

"Eat shit and die Emmett" came the voice of the woman I love.

_She's back in the bedroom. Must have found the fake severed leg in the closet._

Life is good.

_-V &V-_

After I took my shower, I cleaned up the remnants of my morning pranks. Round two would only take a few minutes to set up. I grabbed my phone to send a text, and noticed that I had a voice message from Pops.

' _Boy, I don't know who you coerced into helping you, but I_ _ **will**_ _find out. I took this day off just so you couldn't prank me at work_ _ **again**_ _. Dammit Emmett, I wanted to go fishing but I can't go without my boots. Did it ever occur to you that lime jello would ruin them? Not to mention the perfectly good sock that is now stained green? Don't call me back for a while, I'm pretty damn pissed at you.'_

Sounds like Deputy Mark completed his assigned tasks. But I had to say I was a little hurt. Did Pops really think that I'd ruin his boots and not replace them? As soon as he steps out on the porch he should find the new pair, so he can toss those nasty funky ones he's been wearing for at least ten years away. Maybe I should call to let him know?

Just then the phone buzzed again. I answered it this time.

"Hey Pops, how's it going?" I asked cheerfully.

Charlie cleared his throat. "Um, hey son, by the way, thanks for the new boots. You shouldn't have." Charlie paused for a minute. "On second thought, you damn well  _should_ have because you are responsible for ruining my favorite ones."

"But Pops, the boots I got you are way better, so in all actuality I did you a favor."

Charlie thought about that. "Well, I suppose so. But you still made me stick my foot in fucking jello Emmett. I  _hate_ jello."

I started laughing, and after a minute Pops joined in.

"I'm not even going to ask who helped you, because I know you'll never rat them out." He said.

"You got that right Pops." I smiled. I knew that Charlie would figure out it was Mark. That dude needs to work on his poker face.

"Well at least I know that I'm safe for the rest of the day, since you got your prank out of the way early." Charlie said.

"Good way to look at it Pops" I answered.

Just wait until he finds all that marshmallow fluff in his tackle box.

_-V &V-_

The next prank was my last minute addition. In order for it to be successful, I had to go the  _extra mile_  in preparation. I'd already been in contact with Alvin, the head of maintenance at the Four Seasons Hotel. He was doing all the 'set-up' so I could play the prank. Jonelle was doing her solo shots today, and was scheduled to start around 10:30. I booked it over to the hotel, arriving before ten.

Thanks to Alvin's help, Tess was called away before I got there, so Jonelle would be alone.

I waited in the elevator which was parked on the second floor. Alvin and I had planned it in such a way that when those doors opened, the next one through them would be  _Jonelle Everett_.

I almost laughed at the look of surprise on her stupid face. "Hello Emmett" She grimaced.

_Where's the flirty pain in my ass from yesterday? I guess since I know her secret, she's not comfortable molesting me._

"Why hello there Ho-, I mean Jonelle." I grinned.

She pushed the button for the first floor just before I pushed the 'stop' button. I watched as her eyes widened in surprise, possibly fear.

"Well, well, well. Never thought we'd end up here did you Jonelle? Alone, with no witnesses." I said as I inched closer to her. "You know all that flirting from yesterday, and all the attempts to grab me had quite an effect." I continued.

She looked extremely nervous. Good.

"It actually made me want to do something that I've  _never_ done with a woman in an elevator before."

Now she looked upset. I tried to keep a straight face, but I was about five seconds away from losing my shit.

"Don't worry Jonelle, I'm not going to touch you, I just want to get a few things off my chest." She relaxed visibly.

"First of all, I was here to do a job. You managed to make the second half of that job really uncomfortable. What you do to the men you work with is called  _sexual harassment_ , and it's against the law." I said as I glared at her.

She looked uncomfortable again. "You know, I had a chance to talk with Tess yesterday, she's pretty cool, definitely too good for you. I have no idea why she puts up with your shit. So, let me give you a piece of advice which I  _doubt_  you'll take, but here goes." I said as I smiled. "Don't  _shit_ on people you work with, because they may just come back to  _fart_ on you."

Then I let rip with my best fart  _ever_. It was better than any fart I'd ever heard on television, movies, or in person. If this fart was visible, I'm pretty sure it would resemble the mushroom cloud of a nuclear explosion. As farts go, this one should have been in the Fart Hall of Fame.

_Probably all those Brussels sprouts I ate hours ago. Disgusting but Effective._

When I felt my eyes start to water, I pushed the door open button and escaped to the hall. I couldn't help myself, I had to take one parting look at Jonelle. She was gagging. Her eyes were watering. I almost felt sorry for her, but then I remembered her trying to grab my junk yesterday.

"So long Honelle, hope I didn't kill any brain cells. You don't have many to spare." I laughed as I gave Alvin a fist bump, and told him I'd be sending season tickets along with that autographed jersey.

_-V &V-_

That afternoon, while watching SpongeBob on Nickelodeon, I got a text from Scott at WIRI.

_**I've been found out, but not before e-mailing you the video. Hope it was worth it man, she's pissed.** _

I bolted to my laptop and retrieved the video. With Scott's help, I'd installed an electronic fart machine, better known as a 'remote control whoopee cushion' at Rose's favorite spot at the conference table.

Little did Rose know that her OCD behavior of always sitting in the same chair was the main factor in my being able to pull off this prank.

I watched the video Scott had taken with his phone. He stood outside the conference room, on the other side of a glass window with the remote to the whoopee cushion in his hand.

There were a bunch of big-wigs at the table with Rose. When she moved, Scott must have pushed the button because Rose looked around uncomfortably at everyone while shaking her head and muttering.

The next time, she started searching for the source of the noise.

By the third time, I saw her face turn red with anger as she glared at everyone in the room, trying to figure out who was behind it. Just as her eyes spied Scott standing on the other side of the glass, I heard him mutter 'shit', then the video ended.

I was still laughing when my phone buzzed with an incoming text.

_**You're going to look pretty funny with this piece of electronics shoved up your ass.** _

My beloved sure knew how to sweet talk me. I couldn't help texting back.

_**Hey baby,** _

_**No sexting while at work, keep it professional.** _

Within a minute my phone buzzed with a call.

"Hello is this the future Mrs. Swan?" I answered in my sweetest tone.

"Fucker" Rose muttered.

"Babe, I don't want to fuck her, I want to fuck you." Then I laughed. "Miss me?"

I heard her sigh, and then she started to chuckle.

"That was a good prank Monkey Man, you even made Bridges from accounting laugh, and I swear he was born with a stick up his ass." She said as she continued to chuckle.

I told her all about farting on Jonelle and Charlie's phone call and we both laughed again.

"So you're through now right? No more pranks for me today?" Rose asked.

I hesitated, I couldn't outright lie to her. "Maybe."

" _Emmett_ " She warned.

"Babe, you can't stifle my creativity, I look forward to this shit like Christmas." I whined. Yeah, sometimes I'm a little bitch.

Rose sighed in resignation. "Okay, well I'll see you tonight. Love you."

"Love you too babe." I said as I hung up.

_-V &V-_

The last part of my prank was two-pronged. Part for Rose, part for Bella. We were having dinner with the Cullens' tonight. I waited until I had everyone in the hummer, ready to leave before coming up with an excuse to go back upstairs alone.

"Oh shit, I forgot my cell. I'll be right back everybody." I said as I exited the vehicle.

I set up the last prank in our apartment, and then went over to Bella's to set up her part.

With a satisfied smile, I grabbed the 'forgotten' cell phone and headed downstairs.

I had such a great time at the Cullens' that I almost forgot about the pranks until we'd been home about fifteen minutes.

" _Motherfucker!_ " I heard Rose shout from the kitchen. It sounded like she dropped something too.

I walked in there to find her shaking and clutching her neck with both hands while staring into the fridge. It was  _one_ of the funniest things I'd seen today.

I'd commissioned an artist to make a wax bust of my head. It was freaky how much it looked like me. When Rose opened the fridge door she was treated to a view of my head winking and smiling at her. She freaked the fuck out.

It was priceless.

I wrapped my arms around her until we both started shaking with laughter.

"Jesus Emmett, I don't know what to say. You outdid yourself this year. I can't even bring myself to be mad at you." She gasped through her laughter.

"Just be glad you're not Bella. She's got a bit hairy Chewbacca head in her fridge." We were both laughing when my phone rang.

_Bellaboo._

"Hey there Sissy, what can I do you for?"

"Emmett." Bella breathed, I could tell she had her teeth clenched. "Why the hell would you do that?"

"Oh, I see you found my little gift." I chuckled.

"No Emmett, I didn't find it. Edward did." She was pissed. "I'm surprised you couldn't hear him scream all the way over there."

_Eddie screamed? This shit just gets better and better._

"He  _screamed_ Bella?" I snickered.

She was quiet for a minute, then I heard her snicker too. "Like a ten year old girl." then she blurted out a laugh.

"Where's he now?" I asked through my laughter.

"He's in the bathroom. I think you may have literally scared the shit out of him." She whispered while still laughing.

I was laughing so hard by this time, that I could hardly breathe.

After we calmed down, Bella said. "You know Emmett, someday someone is going to get even with you for all your nonsense."

"It's all good Bella, I wouldn't dish it out if I couldn't take it." I said happily.

"Tell Eddie that anytime he feels the need to scare me shitless, he can bring it. I just need to make sure that I have a supply of adult diapers on hand before he does." We both guffawed.

_Best April Fool's Day Ever._


	3. Ode to the Arse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be read after chapter 38 of V&V (Pool Tables & Revelations).

*November 28, Seattle

_(Thirteen months before Bella meets Edward in chapter 1)_

**BPOV**

It was time.

My plan was going to work. None of the members of my overprotective family were around to stop me.

It was the day after Thanksgiving. Rose and Emmett wouldn't be home from Dallas until this evening, the Seahawks having played and lost to The Cowboys yesterday afternoon.

Charlie had headed back home to Forks about thirty minutes ago, after having had a quiet Thanksgiving here with me in my apartment.

I was about to do something completely out of character. I was going to the movies _alone._ I really wanted to see Edward Masen's new movie, and after everything I'd read about it, there was no way I wanted Emmett and Rose with me when that happened.

The critics had labeled the movie 'steamy and romantic' , 'an erotic thriller', and 'slick, masterful and sexy'. I definitely didn't need my big brother and his girlfriend babysitting me while I viewed it for the first time.

I pulled my hair into a messy ponytail, and donned Emmett's old black hoodie. The thing was huge on me, but very comfortable. It was cold and sunny today, so I even added a scarf, gloves and sunglasses to my scruffy ensemble.

As expected, the place was a madhouse. Most of the crowd was made up of little kids going to see whatever Disney had to offer. I purchased my ticket and went to the concession stand for Goobers and a drink.

_Wow this has been amazingly painless so far._

I slipped into the semi-dark theater, and took a seat near the back. As I waited for the 'feature presentation' to start, I looked around. I was surrounded by couples in various stages of, well, _coupledom._

_Yeah I just made that shit up._

Not that they were doing anything _illegal._ Not yet anyway. Although one couple seated in the row in front of me should have given serious consideration to coming up for air.

After the previews, the movie finally began.

The opening scene was of a coastline at night. A balmy breeze wafted through the palm fronds in what looked to be the start of a tropical storm. The camera slowly panned back from this scene, until we were viewing it from behind the silhouette of a man staring out the window of a darkened bungalow. The breeze-blown trees waved in the moonlight beyond his form.

The man pulled the curtains closed and turned, his facial features shrouded in darkness. A moment after he dropped face-down on the bed, a door opened and light streamed into the room, casting a diagonal ray across the naked torso of the man.

_Oh. My. God. I was in hiney heaven, buttocks bliss, derriere delirium, in other words he had a nice ass._

_To be honest, he had a nice everything._

Unfortunately I was just taking a sip of my coke and chewing on my candy when I caught sight of his glorious bum. I choked on a goober and coughed for a solid two minutes while receiving impolite shushes from the jerks in my immediate vicinity.

_Fuck all of you. I'll try to choke and die quietly next time. Assholes._

I ended up coughing so hard that I managed to squirt soda out of my nose.

_Ew. That was a first._

When I finally pulled myself together and was able to pay attention to the screen again, I realized that the naked man's face was still obscured by the darkness. It didn't matter. I knew it was Edward Masen.

I just _knew_.

When he finally spoke, that smooth silky voice confirmed my suspicions. Granted, my eyes had never been treated to _this_ much of Edward Masen before.

_Christmas for Bella arrived in November this year._

The couple on screen proceeded to writhe around on the bed. The woman was gorgeous also, but from the moment she touched Edward Masen, a feeling of irrational jealousy took hold of me.

_Mine._

_Really Bella? Seriously?_

I learned that Edward's and his co-star's screen names were _Nick_ and _Rosemary._ I think the movie had a plot, but I was too consumed with watching _Nick_ to notice. Every time he moved, whether he was horizontal or vertical, I was amazed at how graceful he was. When the scene would switch to a close-up of his face, I spent the time watching his lips.

_Those are some lips. I want those lips on my lips._

More often that not, that nasty whore co-star got in the way of my ogling.

_Bitch._

I was pretty sure that I was blushing the color of a tomato for most of the movie. I was also certain that my breathing was coming out in audible pants every time _Nick_ and _Rosemary_ got romantic.

During one scene in which Edward's character tied the chick to a bed, my vision started to blur. I felt like someone was choking off my airway, then I realized that I'd stopped breathing. When he pulled out the hot wax, I forced myself to remember my deep breathing exercises so I wouldn't pass the fuck out right in the middle of the theater.

_Fuuuuuck me. No, really, fuck me Edward Masen. Please. Pretty please?_

Masen was eliciting the most bizarre and unexpected reactions from me. I really didn't know what to make of it. On the other hand, I didn't have time to worry about that, because in the next scene he had the chick backed up against the wall of the shower.

I think I whimpered a little, out loud.

_I really hope there's no one in here that knows me._

I pulled my hood up over my head, hiding my face deep inside.

_Now you look like some freak in a porn theatre, or the Emperor in Star Wars._

I was starting to feel overheated, but there was no way I was removing my jacket. I needed to stay hidden. Instead I settled for fanning myself with my now empty Goobers box.

At that exact moment, my bladder decided to start screaming at me for relief.

_You just had to buy the large drink didn't you Bella?_

_No way in hell am I missing this movie just to pee. How much damage could I do by waiting a while longer? I will jiggle my bladder into submission._

So there I sat, a panting, jiggling, fanning, freak of nature.

In the next scene, I was beyond thrilled when _Nick_ strangled _Rosemary_. I clapped out loud and blurted out 'Fuck yeah' when her body fell with a thud to the floor. My behavior drew several evil glares from those seated around me, and a couple of shushes.

I realized too late that _Nick_ had turned out to be the bad guy, and had been out to murder _Rosemary_ from the start.

_Surprise ending. Huh._

_Nick should probably kick her to make sure she's really dead._

The final scene was almost identical to the opening one, with _Nick_ looking out the window of a hotel room.

The camera panned back until we saw the back of his naked torso.

_That rear end should be on the list of man-made wonders of the world._

_Someone should write his parents a thank you note for having sex. Maybe send them flowers? A gift card for Outback?_

When the credits rolled, I bolted from the still darkened theatre into the dimly lit hallway, urgently in need of a toilet. After that, I would probably head home to take a shower because, for some reason, I felt a little dirty.

Of course, being me, I plowed right into the first poor unsuspecting soul to cross my path, landing on my ass in the process.

**EPOV**

I would be so glad to get back to L.A. tomorrow. Alice, knowing that I wouldn't make it home to Seattle for Christmas this year, had planned one crazy thing after another for me to do with the family on Thanksgiving weekend. I drew the line at the family photo in which we all wore matching Christmas sweaters.

I shuddered at the memory.

Not even my hotel room was safe from her intrusion at the moment, so I decided to escape for the afternoon. My destination, the closest movie theater.

I took a cab to the theater, unrecognizable in my beanie, hoodie and jeans. I even threw on my dark glasses for good measure intending to remove them once I reached the safe haven of the dark theater.

 _Slumdog Millionaire_ was receiving rave reviews, knowing this would be the last time I'd be able to enjoy a movie for quite a while, I purchased my ticket. Once the international press tour started for _September Ends_ my free time would be nonexistent, so I needed to make this count. I purchased popcorn and a drink and headed for theater 12.

Just as I rounded the corner toward my theater, a small figure darted out of another theater, and slammed right into me. The person was tiny, and obviously female. The force of the impact sent her sprawling across the floor.

I juggled my popcorn and drink with one hand, while reaching with the other to help her up. My touch on her sleeved arm was very brief, but the slight electric current took me by surprise. Her face was almost completely obscured by her hood, and she never looked up. She whispered a muffled "Sorry, I've got to pee." and darted away toward the lobby.

I stood there watching in disbelief, chuckling to myself, for a minute before snapping back into reality.

 _Theater 12._ ….

**BPOV**

I felt awful for bumping into that guy, and knew that my apology sucked, but I _really_ needed to visit the little girls' room before springing a leak.

The weirdest thing happened when he grasped my upper arm to help me up. I didn't panic the way I normally would when touched by a strange man. The only thing I felt was a strange electric pulse which sent small shivers through my body.

In the bathroom stall, I thought about that, and wondered why the touch of some random stranger could feel oddly comforting.

_Just shut it Bella. Your emotions have been all over the place for the last couple hours, while you lusted after a movie star._

_It's not as if the random stranger was Edward Masen or anything. Now_ _**that** _ _would be something to get excited about._

On the way home I decided I was more mentally disturbed than usual when I tried to rework the lyrics to ' _I Like Big Butts'_ in my head….

' _I like Edward's butt and I can not lie, You other sisters can deny,….'_

You get the idea.

I was truly thankful that I never got to see _all_ of Edward Masen's naked body. I would probably have suffered heart failure right there in my seat.

_And those asshole movie-goers would have complained about having to step over my corpse on their way out._

After my shower, I tried to think of a way to purge naked Edward Masen from my mind.

My solution to the problem required looting Emmett and Rose's DVD collection, my goal: _Old School._

There was no doubt in my mind that viewing a drunk, naked, _Frank the Tank_ running down the street, would successfully burn the image of Edward Masen's glorious gluteus maximus from my mind. Well, not totally, but it would hopefully dilute the memory enough to let me sleep tonight.

_Painful but necessary Bella._

 

_   
_


	4. The Turkey of Ill Repute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be read after Chapter 58 of Virgins & VIllains (Family Photos & Mama's Squeeze Box).

 

_*October 1992, Forks Washington*_

It was the day of the Autumn Bazaar at St Anne's Catholic Church in Forks Washington. Renee dropped her son Emmett off for peewee football practice at the local elementary school, and then drove with her daughter Bella over to the church.

She'd volunteered to work at one of the booths.

Bella helped her mommy, but after a while, she got restless. Renee, being the resourceful mother of a five year old of above-average intelligence, brought out the  _Rugrats_ backpack full of activities for little Bella that she had kept hidden until precisely the right moment.

Renee spread a small blanket on the floor behind the booth and soon Bella was busily playing with her colorforms, reading one of her many Dr. Seuss books, or coloring in her Beauty and the Beast coloring book.

As luck would have it, just about the time Bella was feeling restless again, her Daddy and brother arrived. Charlie had picked Emmett up from practice and driven straight to the bazaar.

"Come on Bells" Her Daddy called. "Let's go look around."

Bella jumped up with a smile. She was so happy that she actually clapped. "Emmett, would you help Bella pack her bag sweetie?" Renee asked her son.

Emmett nodded. "Sure Mom. Come on Sissy, I'll help you then we can go get some cotton candy."

By this time, Bella was practically dancing with excitement.

Emmett helped his sister, and even volunteered to carry the backpack for her. After all  _Rugrats_  was cool, even if he personally preferred  _X-Men_.

_-T-_

"Thank you for the vote of confidence Charlie, but my art skills are very limited. If I attempt to paint that thing, it will end up looking like a ceramic piece of crap." Renee told her husband that night.

The source of their disagreement was a small unpainted ceramic turkey which Bella had spied in one of the booths at the bazaar. As soon as she saw it, Bella's heart was set on taking it home. Her father found it difficult to tell her 'no' when she'd asked so sweetly, her big brown eyes looking up into his with a hopeful expression.

During the drive home Charlie pondered who he knew that would be willing to paint the little bird. As if she could read his mind, Bella announced that Mommy was the  _bestest_ artist she knew, because she 'always painted my fingernails to look the most  _beautifulest_ '. It was clear that little Bella had confidence in her mother which Renee herself did not share.

When Charlie relayed this information to Renee, the mother's heart melted and she became determined to make sure she didn't let her little girl down.

The days passed, and pretty soon Thanksgiving was just around the corner. The little unpainted bird sat on the kitchen counter, where it had been since the day it arrived, serving as a constant reminder to Renee that time was running out. She needed to get that thing painted, and soon.

It was approximately two weeks before Thanksgiving when Renee's prayers were finally answered. She and the children were in Port Angeles. The public library there had been having a sale of old books, most selling for under a dollar. Needless to say, Bella had been in her glory, and was now the proud owner of an old  _Peanuts Cartoon Treasury_ , along with a well-worn illustrated copy of _Heidi._

As Renee turned down an unfamiliar side street while trying to navigate her way back to the main road which would eventually lead them back to Forks, she passed a large white house. The house, which was badly in need of a paint job, sat back from the road and wouldn't have caught Renee's eye if it hadn't been for the sign prominently displayed in the front yard. It read: 'Ceramic Shop' in bold black print.

When she turned to look at the house, Renee noticed that the entire front window was being utilized as a 'showcase' for painted and unpainted ceramic figurines.

 _Hooray!_ She thought. She would be able to surprise Bella with the finished bird just before Thanksgiving.

The next day was Sunday. After Mass, Renee carefully placed the little turkey in bubble wrap, left the children with Charlie who had the day off, and hopped in her car making the trek to Port Angeles in no time.

It took her a few minutes to find the house, and then a few minutes more to find a parking space which wasn't a block away. She felt a little awkward to be showing up on the doorstep, unannounced on a Sunday, but there was nothing she could do about that. Unfortunately the sign in the yard had been lacking vital information, such as a phone number. Once in front of the house she turned onto the path which led to the front door. A middle-aged man was ambling down the path toward her, having just exited the house. As he passed, Renee could have sworn that he  _leered_ at her.

She was a bit taken aback, but only for a moment. She was on a mission. The fear of disappointing her daughter forced her to continue marching determinedly up the path. Once there she knocked on the door. As she waited, the closer view she now had of the various pieces displayed in the window gave her confidence. All of them put her little turkey to shame. Whoever had created those pieces was a true artist.

The door opened to reveal an attractive woman, probably in her late thirties with a confused expression on her face. Renee's eyes widened in surprise as they took in the woman's appearance, she wore a pale pink mini-dress made of a silky material. The neckline on the dress plunged so low that it almost met the extremely short hemline. Her makeup was quite overdone for the middle of the day, especially on a Sunday, and her bleached-blonde hair was piled high on her head with several seductive tendrils trailing down the nape of her neck.

The woman, seemingly just as surprised by Renee, finally spoke, "Um, can I help you?" She asked.

Renee snapped to attention then and began to unwrap the bird. "Yes, I saw your sign and wanted to leave this with you in order to have it painted." It came out sounding more like a question than a statement.

The woman looked even more surprised as she glanced nervously at the window display. "Oh, I see. I don't have a lot of time." She said as she shifted from one foot to the other nervously.

After taking in Renee's disappointed expression, she continued. "Um when would you need it back?"

Renee thought about that. Thanksgiving was eleven days away. "Could you have it finished in a week?"

The woman bit her lip. "That shouldn't be a problem." She said as she gingerly re-wrapped the plastic around the bird.

"Okay, I guess I'll be back next Sunday then." Renee said, thinking more and more that this may have been a bad idea. She turned to walk back down the path. Suddenly Renee turned back to ask a question "How much?"

The woman, who was still standing in the doorway, thought for a moment before giving her answer, "Five dollars, I guess?" She called back to Renee.

Renee nodded before turning back and continuing down the path. She noticed a different man from the one earlier walking in her direction. As he passed, he winked at Renee.

 _What is wrong with these people?_ She thought.

Once he reached the door, Renee swore she heard him laugh and ask the woman what she was selling for five dollars.

On the way home, Renee pondered everything she'd just witnessed. She finally came to the conclusion that the shop owner had probably fallen upon hard times, forcing her to rent out rooms in order to make ends meet. That would explain the strange men that passed her.

_They obviously weren't there to buy ceramics._

By the looks of the woman's wardrobe, Renee also concluded that she must be waitressing at one of the local bars to supplement her income.

_I'm certain that she doesn't charge enough for the ceramics. Five dollars is ridiculously low._

_-T—_

The week passed quickly as the little family prepared for Thanksgiving. This year the Swan's had invited Chief Stenger and his family for dinner. The Chief was due to retire in a few years, and had made no secret of his intention to have Charlie appointed as his replacement when the time came.

Needless to say, Renee wanted everything to be perfect.

The following Sunday, as she was on her way back to Port Angeles, she could have kicked herself for never writing down the shop keeper's name or even her phone number. She sincerely hoped that the little turkey was finished because she didn't need one more thing to stress about.

This time she was able to find a parking space directly in front of the house. It was later in the day than when she arrived last Sunday, and the street lamps had already come on.

She knocked on the door and waited a full five minutes before anyone arrived to open it. When it finally opened, the same woman from last Sunday stood before her. Renee tried not to dwell on the fact that she was clothed in only a short silk robe and stilettos.

"Oh hi" The woman said quietly.

"Hi" Renee answered. "By the way, my name is Renee. Renee Swan." She said with a smile as she reached to shake the shop-keeper's hand.

"Hi Renee" The woman answered. "I'm Audrey" She said as she timidly took the offered hand. Her eyes brightened as if she'd suddenly remembered something. "I've got your bird." She announced "I'll be right back" She said with a smile.

Approximately one minute later, Audrey returned with the finished bird.

Renee smiled brightly. "Oh Audrey, you did a wonderful job on this." She said truthfully. "Have you ever taken any art classes?"

Audrey looked down. "I have an art degree from Pacific University."

Renee gasped. "I take it you made those pieces." She said as she gestured toward the showcase.

Audrey nodded.

"Oh my dear, you are so talented." Renee smiled. "I owe you so much more than five dollars for all your hard work. I want to at least give you ten." Renee insisted as she shoved the money into Audrey's hand.

Audrey smiled. "Thank you Renee."

"I wish it could be more." Renee said as she patted Audrey's hand. "My little girl is going to love this." Renee said happily as she turned to leave.

Audrey smiled again.

_A little girl._

She had a little girl once.

"What's her name?" Audrey called after Renee.

Renee turned. "It's Isabella, but we call her Bella" She said with a doting smile. "This is hers" Renee said as she held up the little bird. "Thank you again."

"You're very welcome, have a wonderful holiday Renee."

"You too Audrey." Renee said with a warm smile before turning back toward her car.

_-T-_

Bella loved the bird. At Thanksgiving dinner she made sure to show everyone the bird that her Mommy had painted.

 _Someday I'll tell her the truth._ Renee thought.

All the adults made sure to ooh and ah over it, to the little girl's delight.

Once Bella had gone to the basement to play a game of Chutes and Ladders with her brother, Charlie turned to Renee. "Who did you get to paint it Renee? It almost looks like the work of a professional."

Renee smiled widely. "I found a little ceramic shop that some woman runs out of her home in Port Angeles."

Renee then went on to explain in detail about her strange experience at the ceramic shop. Halfway through the story, she noticed her husband sharing a pointed look with the Chief before the two of them started to chuckle.

When the story was finished, she turned to Charlie. "What was that about?" She asked.

"What?" Charlie tried his best to hide his amusement at his wife's naivety.

"That look you and the Chief just gave each other." Then she noticed that even the Chief's wife was trying to hide an amused smile.

Charlie cleared his throat. "Well honey, didn't you wonder about the woman's clothing?"

"Yes, but I told you what I thought. She's probably waitressing." Renee answered.

Charlie smiled again. "Renee honey, the skimpy clothing, the strange male visitors, the fact that there was no contact information on the sign, or hours of operation for that matter. Didn't you suspect for even a moment that the shop was a front for another kind of business?"

"Well no, not really." Renee said before she grew silent.

 _What other kind of business could she be running?_ Renee thought.

Then Renee gasped. "No"

Charlie raised his eyebrows and lost his amused smile. "I think so."

"Oh my God." Renee said, suddenly overwhelmed by the need to sit down. "Charlie, are you telling me that I just gave our little girl a turkey painted by a hooker?"

"I'm afraid so." Charlie soothed.

Renee leaned her face on her hand. "I'm a terrible mother." She muttered.

"No you're not." Charlie said. "You're a great mother. Look at all the trouble you went to in order to make Bella happy. Our kids are lucky to have such a wonderful mother."

As soon as Emmett was old enough to understand the meaning, the little ceramic turkey became known as the 'Hooker Turkey'. Renee never saw Audrey again, but often wondered what became of her.

_-T-_

_*May 2003, Forks Washington_

Audrey stood a good distance from the gravesite as she watched the little family, along with most of the population of the town of Forks, say goodbye to the woman who had come to mean so much to her.

She thought back to that Sunday afternoon years ago when she found Renee Swan standing on her front porch, ceramic turkey in hand. She'd returned the next Sunday to collect the bird, and Audrey never saw her again after that.

Audrey hadn't given much thought to the incident until a few days before Christmas when a letter arrived in the mail. She looked down now at the worn note she received that day and read it again:

_My dear Audrey,_

_I have been accused often of being flighty. The fact that I never thought to ask your last name is proof, unfortunately, that there is some merit to that accusation._

_You have been on my mind these last few weeks, and I find it difficult to face Christmas this year without at least expressing my concern over your situation. Audrey please don't think that I am judging or condemning you in any way. I am a strong believer in the phrase 'There but for the grace of God, go I'._

_When I saw those beautiful pieces of art displayed in your window, I knew they had to have come from someone with a beautiful soul. I don't know what hardships or tragedies you have had to endure for your life to become what it is today, but I assure you that it's never too late to decide you want something better._

_Through the help of my parish priest, I've enclosed the names and phone numbers of some people and organizations who will be more than willing to help you. Please consider contacting one of them Audrey, you have so much to offer this world. God gave you that wonderful gift for a reason._

_I hope and pray that the next year will be one of positive change for you. You will be in my prayers._

_Renee Swan  
._

Little did Renee Swan know that  _tragedy_  was precisely what had caused Audrey's life to spiral downward. As a teen, she'd been silly enough to believe that feelings she and her first boyfriend shared for each other would last forever. The day that Audrey announced to him that he would be a father in a few short months she learned the ugly truth. The boyfriend soon found other, less complicated, distractions.

Some family members and even friends had tried to convince her to dispose of her 'mistake', but somehow she couldn't bring herself to end the life she'd already come to love. Instead, she gave birth to a beautiful little girl who was destined to be raised by others. In her mind, they were more deserving than she.

She worked hard to finish school, and then went on to college receiving her art degree, and meeting the man who would become the love of her life. She got a job as an art teacher in a local high school, and she and Peter were married soon after. Upon the arrival of their baby boy, her life was as close to perfect as she could have ever imagined.

That ended on a rainy day three years later when her husband and young son were taken from her life at the hands of a drunk driver. The day her husband and child were buried in the cold earth, Audrey left her home and everything that reminded her of them behind.

_Everything except her art._

Her life became a story that has been told a thousand times over. She wandered from place to place, job to job, taking solace in alcohol and drugs when she needed to forget. When someone offered her money for sex the first time, she was too wasted to give it a second thought. Eventually prostituting herself became an easy way to pay the bills. Emotionally, nobody could take anything from her because she had nothing left to give.

She eventually gave up the drugs, but continued to use alcohol as a crutch, a way to forget about the past and to forget about how she was earning her living. In each new town, the 'Ceramic Shop' sign went in the front yard as a cover for Audrey's real occupation.

The day Renee Swan showed up on her front porch was the first time in years that someone had wanted something from Audrey that didn't involve selling her body.

Audrey glanced at the note in her hand again.

Somehow the good opinion of the woman with the little girl named Bella had become something Audrey desperately craved. Even though Renee Swan would never know that her simple note had spurred Audrey into action, the day she read it, she made the decision to change her life for good, and that's exactly what she did.

With the assistance of one of the contacts on Renee's list, for the second time, Audrey packed up and left her old life behind. She returned to school, eventually earning the credits to become an art therapist. She now spent her days helping others who have been damaged, psychologically or physically, to heal.

One of the friends she'd made in her new life encouraged her to seek out the daughter she'd given up all those years ago. Imagine her surprise when just a few weeks after she'd submitted the paperwork to find her child, she received a phone call from her daughter. It seemed that she'd been searching for Audrey since the day she'd turned eighteen.

Her adoptive parents were wonderful, but she'd always wanted to meet her birth mother. The day they met in person, Audrey cried the first tears of happiness that she'd cried since the birth of her son. She was blessed beyond measure. Not only did she gain a daughter that day, but a son-in-law and also a young grandson.

God had been merciful.

Her thoughts were suddenly brought back to the present as she watched the Swan family say goodbye. The story of Renee's murder had been a national one. When she first heard it, Audrey had searched frantically for every detail until she was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was  _the_ Renee Swan whom she'd met over ten years before. When she read the obituary which included the name of her young daughter Isabella,  _Bella,_ and the news accounts which alluded to the fact that Bella had witnessed her mother's murder and become a victim of assault herself, Audrey wept for hours.

She studied the family now as they approached the casket. She assumed the large well-built young man to be Renee's son. As he stood there, a tall blonde woman stood by his side. He faltered, and Audrey watched as the young woman's arms looped around his waist trying to support his weight when his legs could not. Next there was a man who looked to be in his forties. This had to be Renee's ex-husband. His stoic expression belied the fact that, from time to time he felt the need to wipe his eyes with a handkerchief. The man held in his arms a young girl, her leg in a cast.  _Bella._ Her expressionless face was ashen, the only color seeming to come from the bruises that had begun to heal. Bella looked in Audrey's direction with unseeing eyes. She had the thousand-yard stare which Audrey had seen in the mirror daily after the death of her own husband and son.

She prayed that somehow this family would heal, especially young Isabella. Maybe Renee, as she watched from heaven would ask God to send Bella the help she needed to become the person she was meant to be before a heartless murderer had torn her world in two.

_Maybe her own mother had sent Renee to her all those years ago._

The service was over, and Audrey watched as the little family lingered by the grave as the crowd dispersed. They held on to each other, every one of them keeping a hand on Isabella as they said their private goodbyes to Renee before turning to leave.

After everyone was gone, Audrey approached the casket and laid her hand on it as she said what was in her heart.

"I'm sorry I never contacted you to tell you in person how much your thoughtfulness meant to me. It changed my life, but by now you know that." She said with a small smile. "The only way I can think of to honor your memory is to continue to 'pay it forward'. That's what I intend to do Renee, every day for the rest of my life. Goodbye my friend."

.  
 _Beyond the door  
There's peace I'm sure.  
And I know there'll be no more...  
Tears in heaven  
._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The illustration is Jusepe de Ribera's painting of Saint Mary Magdalene
> 
> Thanks for reading. This was something I needed to get out of my system. My reasons are simple: I wanted everyone to know Renee a little better. Her memory is a large part of Bella's life after all. We also got a glimpse of the family on the day of the funeral.
> 
> I am a strong believer in 'paying it forward'. When you are the recipient of a kindness, you don't always have to pay that person back, but you should pay someone….maybe someone who needs it more.
> 
> Continue the story now with chapter 59 of V&V.


	5. Outtake 5: Magnum Farce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This outtake takes place in the middle of chapter 71 of V&V, 'Ultimatums and Quality Time'.

 

Part of me couldn't believe what I was seeing. The other part wasn't the least bit surprised because, after all, this was Emmett Swan that we were dealing with.

The day started in a fairly normal fashion, although I worried from the moment I woke up about what exactly this day had in store for Charlie. I kept my worries to myself.

_No need to freak Bella out too._

Clint had remained closed mouth about his plans, so I had no idea what was going on in his head.

That was until mid-day when everything changed with a single phone call.

We were at my parents' house, just hanging out, playing pool, until it was time to meet with Clint and Charlie for dinner and drinks.

My Mom and the girls had already left for Rose's parents' house in order to set up for the bridal shower.

"Emmett, let me get this straight. You actually got Clint Eastwood to agree to prank your Daddy?" Jasper drawled.

"Abso-fucking-lutely Francis." Emmett answered with a smile. He grinned as Jasper grimaced and then held up his hand to stop Jasper from speaking. "Now don't get your panties in a bunch there Francesca. There's only one Clint to go around, I'll find some way to prank you later but I'm afraid this one is all for Pops."

Jasper rolled his eyes while I sighed and rubbed my hands over my face. "Emmett, I feel the need to reiterate that I think this is a very bad idea."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah Eddie. If you've said it once, you've said it a hundred times. Don't worry about it. You have a shit ton of witnesses here who'll make sure you're not held responsible for what happens tonight."

Immediately after this conversation, Emmett left, informing us that Clint wanted to meet with him alone first. He was grinning from ear to ear, no doubt at the thought of torturing his father yet again.

As soon as he left, I received a call from Charlie telling me to bring Carlisle and Jasper to the Edgewater Hotel.

_Weird. That's where we're meeting Clint later._

He went on to explain that our good friend Clint had never intended to grant Emmett's request. Instead, as soon as we parted ways after lunch four days before, Clint had phoned the Forks Police Department, and had a long conversation with the Chief.

It seems that Charlie and his idol hit it off during that phone call, and Charlie ended up sharing the details of a plethora of crazy stunts he'd had to endure at the hands of his son over the years. After that, Clint decided to use this opportunity to turn the tables on the unknowing Emmett.

The four of us were sitting in a suite adjacent to Clint's, watching on closed circuit television as my future brother-in-law supposedly learned his lesson.

The only problem was that no matter what Clint said or did; Emmett took it in his stride.

Emmett and Clint were already in his sitting room, chatting and drinking, when we arrived. Knowing there was only a wall between them and us, we determined to remain as quiet as possible as we observed.

"This is a nice place isn't it?" Clint asked as he gestured to their surroundings.

"Yeah, I guess." Emmett answered.

"I decided to stay here because Edward and I are filming a couple of key scenes in and around this hotel. I wanted to get the feel for it."

"Is this where we're filming my scene?" Emmett asked with a hopeful smile.

"No. Not here." Clint studied Emmett for a moment before continuing. "I called you here early to discuss a couple of things, one of which is your part in the movie." Clint took a deep breath. "The other is this business with your father."

Emmett sat up then; seeming to hang on Clint's every word.

"Here's the thing Emmett." Clint began. "I've had a chance to think about this and, as much as I hate going back on my word, I'm going to have to renege on the deal we made." Clint said remorsefully. "I still would like you to be in the film, but I needed to let you know that I can't go through with the prank."

Emmett looked genuinely disappointed for about a minute before grinning and shrugging it off. "Hey, I gave it my best shot."

_I've learned that it's hard to dampen Emmett's spirits_

Clint chuckled. "And I would have gone through with it if your Dad wasn't a cop. I figure they have enough shit to deal with, and I sure don't want to be the guy to add to that."

Emmett nodded and smiled. "Yeah. Makes me feel kind of bad for all the times I've messed with him." He thought seriously for a moment before laughing and shaking his head. "Nah, it really doesn't" He admitted.

"Little shit." Charlie muttered from beside me.

Clint laughed too. "If you don't mind though, I'd like to discuss your part in the movie now; that is if you're still interested?"

"Hell yeah I'm interested."

Clint grinned. "We've decided to expand the role a little. You'll actually have a few speaking lines if that's okay?"

Emmett perked up at this new information.

He pursed his lips. "Do I still get to show my ass?"

Clint blurted out a laugh. "Without a doubt."

"Well, alright. As long as we can work it into my football schedule, I'll do it."

Clint smiled and downed his drink. "Alright." He then began in a quiet voice. "So, your character is a policeman, but he's a bit on the  _twisted_ side."

"Yeah?" was Emmett's wide-eyed response. "Do tell, Bronco Billy."

Clint frowned at the name before leaning forward, elbows on his knees, rubbing his hands together. "It won't require a lot of speaking on your part, the majority of your screen time would be spent doing physical stuff."

Emmett nodded, looking pleased. "You mean I get to chase bad guys?"

Clint gave a grim smile. "Not exactly. I should explain first that your character has a penchant for cross-dressing." He then straightened up while looking directly at Emmett. "You wouldn't be averse to wearing women's clothing would you?" He asked with a smirk.

Emmett surprised everyone by shaking his head. "Do I get to be some crazy freak like in  _Silence of the Lambs_?" He asked with a wide grin before reciting "It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told" in a voice disturbingly similar to the original.

Clint chuckled. "Something like that. So it doesn't bother you?" He asked, looking a little surprised.

"I just did an ad campaign in my underwear and agreed to show my ass in a movie. Why would that bother me?"

_Good point._

"You want me to dress up like a chick? I can do that." He said nonchalantly. "I bet I'll look pretty fucking hot too." He paused "Do you want me to wear my fake nipple rings? You know, just in case I show my chest?"

I slammed my hand over my mouth to keep the guffaw from escaping.

"Hmm" Clint narrowed his eyes as he thought that over, not looking pleased at all.

"That won't be necessary" Clint continued in a menacing tone, reminiscent of Dirty Harry.

"I told Clint this shit wouldn't work, he doesn't understand that Emmett's not wired like the rest of us." Charlie whispered.

Jasper, Dad and I chuckled.

_Too true._

Emmett crossed his arms over his chest. "So that's it? All I'll have to do is dress like a woman and show my ass?" He questioned.

Clint pursed his lips. "Well, there's also a scene where you have to pretend to 'get it on' with another man." He looked pointedly at Emmett. "That wouldn't be a problem now would it?"

I thought for certain that Clint had found the chink in Emmett's armor with this request.

Emmett regarded him carefully. "Why no, Philo. You're telling me I have to have fake sex with a dude?"

Clint nodded.

Emmett grinned broadly once again. "Now that's something not even Eddie has done." He then got a panicked expression. "Please tell me that Eddie's not the dude I have fake sex with."

Clint shook his head. "No, none of your scenes are with Edward."

Emmett visibly breathed a sigh of relief. "That's good. I mean I don't mind going all  _Brokeback Mountain_ and shit, as long as I'm the one pitching, but it would be weird if the scene was with Edward." He announced with a slight shudder.

I shook my head as those around me tried to contain their laughter.

Emmett quirked an eyebrow. "Would I have to  _kiss_ the dude in the scene?"

Clint gave him a hard smile. "Maybe. Would that be a problem?"

Emmett looked him right in the eye and shook his head. "With or without tongue?" He inquired with a wiggle of the eyebrows.

At that, Jasper blurted out a laugh, and I practically tackled him to shut him up.

Emmett frowned. He definitely heard us. "Noisy neighbors." He said while gesturing to the wall that separated us.

"I warned Clint. There are very few things in this world that intimidate that boy. We already exploited his fear of heights during the Vegas trip." Charlie continued in a whisper.

"What else frightens him?" Dad asked.

Charlie drew in a deep breath. "Only one other thing that I know of" He continued to whisper, "Rosalie."

Charlie sighed. "Oh well, Clint's just getting started. You won't believe the crazy things he's going to try to get Emmett to agree to." Charlie added with a chuckle.

At that precise moment, the door to the suite swung open, and Clint's assistant along with an attractive man and woman entered the sitting room.

"Emmett, here are the two actors who will be appearing with you. Candace Valentine and Nick Mancini, I'd like you to meet Emmett Swan. We were just discussing the particulars of the scene featuring the three of you."

Emmett waved at the newcomers as they sat down. "Sup?" He inquired.

"Emmett, we may pass on you kissing Nick; you could just as easily kiss Candace instead." Clint continued. He was actually looking a little defeated at this point.

"Uh" Emmett stuttered out as he shot glances at Candace. "I may have to kiss  _her_?" He asked with a pained expression.

"Yeah, the sex scene is actually a threesome with you and them." Clint continued as he gestured toward Candace and Nick.

Emmett sat frozen, staring at Clint.

Clint didn't seem to notice. "Your character is also into S&M, you know the kinky stuff?" He continued. "How do you feel about ball gags?"

Emmett took a big swig of his drink. "Are you trying to tell me that I'd be having simulated sex with a woman?" Emmett asked incredulously, disregarding Clint's question completely.

Clint shrugged. "Well, yes but…"

He turned toward Candace. "No offense but" He muttered before turning back to Clint, "Hell to the no on that one Callahan. I can get naked with another dude; even kiss him if that's what you want, although I wouldn't  _enjoy_ it." He boomed. "But don't ask me to kiss any woman other than my Rose."

Clint sat back. "Emmett, I understand that you love your fiancée, but this really isn't a big deal. As actors, we have to kiss other actors from time to time. Ask Edward."

Emmett laughed without humor. "Yeah, you say that now. But I know my Rosie. We could both explain to her that it's fake, but that wouldn't matter one bit." He groaned as he stood and began to pace, running his hands through his hair. "Baby Swan would most definitely be an only child once Rose was done with me. She'd be like  _The Terminator_ , and my balls would be  _John Connor_  in that scenario."

I couldn't hold back my laughter any more. I wasn't alone, as our entire group fell apart.

_This is classic. Rose is Emmett's kryptonite_

Emmett most definitely heard us. "What the fuck is going on with your neighbors?"

"I don't know." Clint said as he shrugged it off. "Back to what we were talking about, couldn't you explain to Rose about the scene?"

Emmett's expression transformed into one of abject fear. "Please Walt; don't ask me to do that, I'm begging you." Emmett asked in a hoarse whisper.

"Would you please stop calling me by the names of my movie characters?" Clint directed. "Come on Emmett. Be a man. She can't be as bad as you say."

Emmett cringed. "She's worse. I can forgive your ignorance, because you've never met her. Suffice it to say that I'm the expert here."

He sat in silence, brooding for a full minute before he spoke again. "I guess there's nothing else for it." He looked at Clint with sad eyes. "As much as I don't want to do this, I'm going to have to turn down the movie role Rowdy."

Clint groaned at the mention of his character's name from the television show  _Rawhide_.

"Hey, you said to stop using your movie names." Emmett said with his signature cheesy grin.

He stood then to shake Clint's hand, presumably to say goodbye.

Clint didn't shake. "Have a seat Emmett, we're not done here." He said authoritatively before turning to the other actors. "Thanks for coming in Candace and Nick. I'll see you both in a few weeks." He said before they shook his hand and left.

Emmett continued to sit on the sofa, looking more than a little confused by this time.

"Charlie would you and the others come in now." Clint asked out loud while still watching Emmett.

Emmett's mouth dropped open in surprise, and didn't close until we had entered the room and were seated around him. He glared at Clint "What the fuck is going on?" He asked incredulously.

Clint proceeded to explain how he'd phoned Charlie on Saturday, and made his plans from there, and how we had been watching from the adjacent suite.

Emmett continued to glare and he folded his arms once again over his chest. "You never intended to prank Pops?" He asked.

"Nope" Clint admitted with a smile.

"And I don't really have to kiss that woman?" He asked.

Clint chuckled. "You don't have to kiss the man either. I made up all that stuff."

Emmett frowned. "You're a bit of an asshole aren't you Thunderbolt?"

Clint just continued to laugh.

Emmett wasn't through, "What I don't understand is why you had to show me up in front of my friends and family." He muttered. "That was cold, not to mention fucking embarrassing."

"Just hold on right there son." Charlie spoke up. "Let me get this straight." He said as he glared at Emmett. "The fact that we watched you cower in fear has you embarrassed?"

"Damn right I'm embarrassed." Emmett bellowed.

_I guess there's a first time for everything._

Charlie pursed his lips. "I wonder if it embarrassed you as much as hearing your son's voice sounding over the loudspeaker at the drug store advising 'Chief Swan' that his prescription for  _extra-strength_ Viagra was ready at the pharmacy counter?"

Charlie narrowed his eyes. "It took me a week to convince the guys at the station that I didn't want or need Viagra." He said through gritted teeth. "Definitely not a topic that I wanted the entire town to speculate on."

Emmett chucked. "That was a good one." The rest of us unsuccessfully tried to hide our amusement.

"Or the time we helped Bella move to Seattle? I drove behind you as we transported her stuff. We didn't want to stop for lunch, so we hit the Wendy's drive-thru. When I reached the window to get my food, the guy practically threw it at me without taking my money. It was only after I parked and went inside to pay that I found out you'd told him to be wary of the guy in the truck behind you because he was an escapee from an institution for the criminally insane."

We all laughed at that one, including Clint.

"I could go on all night" Charlie said. "How about the time that you hid a fake dead rat in my desk drawer at the station? I screamed like a thirteen year old girl in front of the entire Forks police department when I found it."

_Wow._

"Or when you rigged the siren on my squad car to play stripper music?"

More laughter.

"How about when you changed the message on my answering machine to make people aware that they'd reached the 'Forks Community Sperm Bank'."

_Damn, Emmett's quite imaginative_

"So don't you lecture anyone here about being embarrassed Emmett." Charlie exclaimed. "I've had enough embarrassing moments to last two lifetimes, thanks to you."

My Dad shook his head. "Did you really do all those things to your father?" He asked Emmett.

Emmett smiled broadly. "Fuck yeah. Those and many more."

My Dad then turned to me. "Edward, I don't think I've truly appreciated what it means to have you as my son until this moment." He said with a laugh as he patted my back.


End file.
